Old Wives
by Dr Ingram
Summary: [Coupling] Steve and Susan are preparing for the unknown alien life form that will one day come out and destroy their world.
1. The Boys

**Fandom:** Coupling  
**Title:** Old Wives  
**Beta:** Not betaed. Sorry for all errors  
**Rating:** 12  
**Paring:** Steve/Susan  
**Spoilers/set:** Season 4  
**Summary:** (I can't actually think how to summarise this. Sorry)

A/N: So this is the first chapter of my first attempt at _Coupling_ fan fiction. So I'd love to know what people think.

**Chapter 1**

"Steve how high would you say my bump is?" Asked Susan as she stepped in front of Steve, blocking his view of the television with her baby bump. Not that it mattered as Susan's rather odd question had distracted Steve from the television.

Somewhat worried Steve looked up at Susan with an expression of uncertainty and his brow wrinkled as he stuttered. "Wh-what?"

Turning to the side Susan stoop up as straight as her pregnancy allowed and asked again. "The bump. Would you say it was high or low?"

£$

"What kind of a question is that?" Asked Patrick puzzled as he picked up his glass of Guinness and made his way to his usual brown leather arm chair.

Steve took a quick sip of his beer as he followed behind Patrick. He placed his glass of beer on the table as he sat in his usual spot on the red couch. He sat forward with his arms rested on his thighs. "In the tone it was asked it was worryingly similar to that question women ask after they've dragged you round thousands of clothe shops and as they finally try something on ask you..." Steve paused slightly as he prepared himself for a high pitched impersonation of Susan. "What do you think of this outfit darling?" A flicker of past bad memories seemed to cross Steve's face and he raised his finger in the air as he spoke animatedly. "And you know, you know that in the 30 minutes they've spent looking at themselves in the new outfit in the fitting room mirror that they've annualised every minute detail of this potential new outfit and they know everything that's wrong with it." Steve shrugged his shoulders. "So why do they ask us for our opinion? We know that they want more than 'it's nice' but we know that even if we say more than that, we're still going to be wrong and we're going to be accused of saying they've got a fat arse, or large ankles or something." Steve paused taking a sip of his beer.

"You just can't win." Chipped in Patrick.

"Exactly. So I know that she has an ideal answer and I have a fifty, fifty chance of getting it right. But I know, I know because I'm a man I'm gonna get it wrong and because of those…" Steve held his hands out and said in a sarcastic sing song voice. "…hormones. That the conversation will be on thin ice." Steve took another sip of his beer.

"So how did you answer?"

Steve placed his glass of beer back down and lent back on the couch, stretching his arm out across the back of the couch. "In the way I always do."

£$

Steve sat forward and stretched out his arm, his hand making a circling motion as he gestured at Susan and towards her baby bump. "Well erm…" His lower lips stuck out as he seemed to think about the right way to answer the rather insane question. "It's erm..." He paused. "Well I'd say it was kind of middling."

Irritated by the indecisive answer Susan rubbed one hand over her baby bump as the other rested on the base of her back, the tips of her fingers massaging her aching back muscles. "Steve keeping the fence pole firmly up your bottom is not going to get you out of answering this question. So..." Susan took a deep breath as she turned to face the bump towards Steve slightly before turning back to give him the side view once again. "…does the bump look high or low to you."

Steve tilted his head to the side casting his eyes up and down Susan baby bump trying to judge whether it was in a high or low position. "Well, erm I'd say it's… high."

£$

"And was that the answer she was looking for?"

Steve scoffed as he lifted the pint of beer to his lips. "Of course not."

£$

Susan lovingly rubbed her hand up and down her baby bump as if Steve's answer had been insulting to it. Her face had fallen at Steve's answer and she looked at him with disappointment. "You really think it's high?"

Steve fidgeted on the couch. "Well…" And began back tracking. "…highish but now you come to mention it I guess it could be on the low side."

Susan turned to face Steve, crossing her arms over her chest. "You're just saying that now because you think it's what I want to hear."

"Well obviously."

"Oh Steve…"

Steve stood so he could at least have the height advantage in the argument. "Well Susan I don't go around examining other pregnant women's bumps for a hobby. How am I meant know if your bump is top, middle or bottom. I mean the bump is new on you ."

Susan nodded her head in thought, biting her lower lip "You know, you're right."

"I am?" Steve said cautiously.

Susan nodded her head. "Yes, so better to stick to a subject you know something about." She uncrossed her arms from over her chest and stepped back from Steve to allow him a better look. "So. Which breast is bigger?" She asked brightly.

£$

"The right."

On hearing Patrick's opinion of Susan's right breast Steve stopped short of placing his glass of beer to his lips and gave Patrick a pointed stare. "What?" He asked shortly.

Patrick was looking off into the distance as if he had an image of Susan in front of him and was examining her breasts. "Her right breast has definitely gotten bigger than her left one." He stated matter of factly.

Steve placed his glass of beer back onto the table and locked his fingers together tightly as he continued to look at Patrick with a scornful stare. "Uh Patrick have you been ogling my girlfriend, my pregnant girlfriend?" He said with some threat in his voice.

"Well she's a woman."

"Yes, yes Patrick I am very much aware of that. But she is a woman who is carrying my child."

Patrick pointed at Steve. "Isn't it also Susan's child? You know it takes two to tango."

Steve dropped his head slightly and pursed his lips making a sucking sound as he looked back up at Patrick. "And also you're dating Sally. You shouldn't be looking at other women's breasts." Steve reached out to pick up his glass of beer.

"Oh and you haven't been look at other women's breasts while you've been dating Susan." Asked Patrick smugly.

Steve's pint once again hovered at his lips and he looked over at Patrick as if he was about to say something. But instead decided to focus on his pint and take a long gulp.

A smug smile crossed Patrick's face as he raised his glass of Guinness to his lips. "Exactly." Patrick let out a refreshing sound as he swallowed some of his pint. "So which breast did you say was larger?"

Steve took a sip of his pint and rasped. "The right. Obviously."

"And was that the answer she wanted?"

Steve shook his head. "Nope."

£$

Irritated by Steve's answer Susan threw her head back and stormed off to the kitchen as Steve just stood with his mouth agape somewhat bewildered.

£$

"So what was with the bump and breast question?" Asked Patrick.

Steve lent back on the couch again his right arm spread out casually along the back of the couch. Dismissively he explained what Susan had hoped to achieve. "Oh she wants to try and find out the sex of the baby by using some old wives tales."

"Old wives tales?" Asked Patrick questioningly.

"Yeah you know those superstitions your mum would tell ya like, don't put new shoes on the table or if you accidental spill salt you should through some over your shoulder." Steve reached forward to pick up his pint. "Lies basically so you wouldn't do anything bad."

Patrick's brow creased in confusion. "How is putting shoes on the table or spilling salt bad?" He took another sip of his Guinness.

Steve lent forward, placing his glass of beer on the table and lent over towards Patrick. He shook his head. "No Patrick I'm talking about the old wives tale. The lie that made all boys everywhere afraid to enjoy a quick whistle in case it made them go blind."

Dumbly Patrick said, "Well that's stupid. I whistle all the time, especially in the shower and I've never gone blind." He then pursed his lips together and proceeded to whistle.

Steve closed his eyes and shook his head. "No, no Patrick I don't mean whistling…" He tilted his head down slightly and looked pointedly at Patrick and said in a low tone. "I mean whistling." He then made a heavy glance down to his nether region and then back up to Patrick.

What Steve was actually saying began to click in Patrick's head and he pointed at Steve. "Ahh you mean that kind of." He didn't finish the sentence but knowingly nodded his head.

Steve nodded his head shortly as he put the index finger of his right hand on his nose and pointed at Patrick with the index finger of his left hand, indicating that he'd got it.

"So if old wives tales are rubbish why is Susan using them to try and determine the sex of the baby?" Asked Patrick.

Steve scratched the back of his head, letting out a sigh. "Because whenever we have an ultra sound of the baby he…" He removed his hand from his head and held it out in the air as he firmly continued.. "…or she, is always facing the wrong way. So the doctor can't tell what sex he, or she is."

Patrick spread his arms out wide. "Well clearly it's a girl. You know what woman are like whenever a camera is within a 100 meters of them. They suddenly get all shy and nervous about having their picture taken."

"That's what I said. But Susan said that was a stupid way to try and determine the sex of the baby. But oh no…" He took a quick sip of his pint. "…you give a woman a few old wives tales about bumps and breast to determine the baby's sex and suddenly she's all interested."

"So what does a high bump and a larger right breast mean?"

"That we're having a boy. So obviously now she believes those old wives tales are rubbish."

Patrick absently nodded his head. "So I take it she wants a girl."

"Yep." Steve laughed un-amusingly. "You know what she said? She said. Well I already have one toddler running around the place demanding his tea that it's only fair that I have girl to even things out." Steve scoffed and pointed vigorously to himself. "Can you believe that, calling me a toddler. It's insulting."

"That is unfair. I mean your demanding for your tea on top of your collection of porn and solo whistling indicate that you're actually the age of a teenage boy."

Steve looked at Patrick highly insulted. "That's worse."

"How is that worse?" He took a quick sip of his pint. "It's the truth."

"Because a man who has a cupboard filled with sex tapes of his exes is saying that I have the maturity of an acne covered, long haired, serial wanker." Replied Steve in a high pitched, incredulous tone.

Patrick pointed defiantly at Steve. "Steve you know as well as I do that a man's maturity hit's the ceiling at 18 years of age. From then on we're wanting the same thing now as we did then." Patrick counted them off on his fingers. "Tits, arse, lesbians and threesomes."

"Yeah well I've moved beyond that now." Steve pointed determinedly to himself. "I am a grown man, a mature man and I'm going to be a…" He began to waver and his pointing became less vigorous. "…I'm going to be…" He swallowed hard. "…a father." He closed his eyes and shivered rubbing his hands over his face. "Oh it doesn't bear thinking about."

Patrick raised his glass triumphantly and smiled broadly at Steve. "And know as well as tits and arse. You've got your threesome."

Steve lowered his hands and stared coldly at Patrick.

A/N: Okay so what do people think? Should I continue with the story?


	2. The Girls

**Fandom:** Coupling  
**Title:** Old Wives  
**Beta:** Not betaed. Sorry for all errors  
**Rating:** 12  
**Paring:** Steve/Susan  
**Spoilers/set:** Season 4  
**Summary:** (I can't actually think how to summarise this. Sorry)

A/N: Okay so here is chapter two. It's the girls conversation. I don't think it's as good as the boys. But again if people could tell me what they think I'd really appreciate it )

**Chapter 2**

Susan came elegantly in to the girls watering whole and over towards Sally and Jane who were sat next to each other on the blue couch. The girls were glad their watering whole had as comfortable seats as the lads did. Before they use to hit their legs off a wooden bar that want across the bottom of the table they used to sit out. But now they could recline in complete comfort.

Susan introduced herself with her usual greeting "Sorry I'm late." She pushed her hair behind her ears as she sat down on the empty seat beside Sally. "I was trying to find some thread and a needle."

"Oh yeah I know what you mean. I often find that makes me late as well." Chipped in Jane before taking a sip of her wine.

Sally and Susan just looked at her oddly before choosing not to question Jane's madness. "So…" Said Sally as she turned back to face Susan. "What do you want with thread and a needle?" Sally reached over to Susan and worryingly rested a hand on Susan's thigh. "Oh god you're not going all motherly on us are you, darning socks and knitting baby shoes."

Susan tilted her head to the side a thin smile on her face. "No Sally I'm pleased to say that boredom hasn't resorted me to darning Steve's socks, and the last time I tried to knit something I ended up knitting my hair along with it." Susan raised her hands facing palm out in front of her. "No I've been trying to use some old wives tales to determine the sex of the baby." She fished her right hand into her pocket and pulled out the thread and needle. "And well the other methods all fell through."

"What's wrong with using the ultrasound picture to determine the baby's sex." Asked Sally questioningly.

Susan picked up her bag and placed it on her knee as she opened it she explained to Sally. "Oh because every time we go to the doctors and have one taken…" When she'd found what she was looking for she proudly passed the ultrasound picture to Sally. "…the baby is always facing the wrong way." She said smiling brightly at the ultrasound.

Sally held a hand to her chest as she looked at the ultrasound picture. "Oh my god that's just so amazing." She said in wonderment as her eyes looked lovingly over the picture.

Jane lent closer to Sally so she to could get a real good look at the picture. "Yeah it really." Said Jane in equal wonderment. "I always thought Steve's immobile hair was the result of hair spray. Never occurred to me it could be hereditary."

Slowly Sally turned her head towards Jane who was still looking at the sonogram, shaking her head in wonderment at her 'discovery.'

"I was talking about the wonder of nature." Said Sally slowly.

Jane looked up at Sally who was staring at her. "And so was I." Replied Jane in an indignant tone.

Susan had a soft smile on her lips at Jane's insane but true observation of Steve's hair. "Well that's a lot better than what Steve said when he saw the sonogram pictures."

"Oh god." Sally threw her head back slightly as looked back at Susan. "What did he say?" She asked pessimistically.

£$&

The nurse squeezed some jelly across Susan's exposed pregnancy bump. "Now…" Said the nurse cautiously before she began to move the ultrasound wand across Susan's stomach. "…hopefully this time the baby will be in a position were we can clearly determine its sex. Are you sure you wish to know?"

"Yes!" Said Susan enthusiastically.

While at the same time Steve's response was a rather tame. "Sure, why not."

Susan turned to Steve giving him her dead cold stare. Nervously Steve wallowed a large lump that seemed to be caught in his throat. He looked enthusiastically over to the nurse, nodding his head vigorously. "Yes, yes! We'd very much love to know the sex of the baby. I mean of course we would, why wouldn't we. We have to raise the little bugger." He finished off by laughing nervously.

"Okay." Said the nurse slowly as she placed the ultrasound wand onto Susan's stomach and began to move it slowly across her stomach, trying to find the best picture of the baby.

While Steve looked down quickly at Susan, who just started at him witheringly before turning her head to face the ultrasound screen. Letting out a small nervous cough Steve reached out his hand and held Susan's, squeezing it lovingly.

Worryingly his brow creased and nervously he asked the nurse. "The baby's heart beat it's erm pretty fast. Is err, is that normal?"

"Yes a fast heart beat is perfectly normal."

"So err is everything how it's supposed to be?" Asked Steve.

"Yes Mr Taylor everything seems to be coming along nicely."

"And can you tell the sex of the baby yet?" Asked Susan expectantly.

The nurse made a face and pointed at the picture of the baby. "Well I'm afraid not."

Steve watched as Susan's face fell slightly. But he looked back at the ultrasound screen as the nurse pointed to the screen and mapped out the baby.

"As you can see this is the baby's head, it's upper body and here's one, two legs and that would be an arm and the other I believe is…" She paused slightly. "…yep there's the other arm. But I'm afraid the baby is once again facing away from us."

The nurse turned and smiled warmly at Steve and Susan, both of whom were still watching the ultrasound of their baby.

Steve smiled warmly and let out a small laugh. "You know it amazes me how you guys can point out the baby's features like that." He let go of Susan's hand and crossed his arms over his chest. "I mean to me that still looks like the Millennium Falcon caught in the force field of the Death Star." He laughed to himself and was pleased to see the nurse was smiling. But his laugh soon faded however when he saw that Susan was giving him once again a cold and withering stare.

£$&

"God trust Steve to say something like that." Scoffed Sally. But curiously she and Jane both tilted their heads to the left as they looked at the ultrasound.

"Oh yeah. I see what he means." Said Jane. Numbly Sally was nodding in agreement.

Slightly insulted Susan snatched the ultrasound from Sally and thrust it back in her bag. "Anyway…" Irritably Susan wiped some loose hair that had fallen from behind her ear away from her face. "…the fact is we still don't know the sex of the baby and the other methods I tried didn't work."

"What went wrong with them?" Asked Jane.

"Oh you know the way most things go wrong. I asked Steve for his opinion."

"I thought two days into your relationship with Steve you'd realised that he had absolutely no opinion. On anything." Said Sally sarcastically.

"One can always live in hope." Replied Susan doubtfully.

Susan shook her head slightly as if help get herself back on the subject at hand. "But anyway. Since, thanks to Steve, the other methods went wrong I thought it better to do this one with you guys. You know if you want something done right, get a woman to do it."

"Exactly. Especially when it comes to sex." Said Jane enthusiastically before continuing. "I mean when a woman's down there at least she knows the neighbourhood. But a man…" Jane stuck her bottom lip out and shook her head. "…never stops to ask for directions." And took another sip of her wine.

"Exactly." Replied Sally in agreement. But getting back to the point in hand she turned back to Susan. "So what do you need us to do?"

Excited Susan explained. "Well I just need one of you to hold this thread with needle attached to it about an inch from my palm."

"Oh well that's sound simple enough." Said Sally indicating for Susan to hand her the thread and needle.

"Yeah so simple that even Steve could get it wrong." Chipped in Jane laughing lightly.

Both Sally and Susan let out a short laugh as they attempted the old wives method. Susan handed Sally the piece of thread with the needle attached and Sally held it above her palm.

"Now make sure the needle is still when you let go and don't force it to move with your hand that's holding the thread." Explained Susan.

"Okay." Said Sally as she concentrated heavily on the needle and thread as it slowly moved of its own accord.

"So." Susan paused. "Does it look like the needles moving backwards and forwards?" She asked apprehensively.

"Ahh no. I'd say it was moving in a circle." Said Sally confidently.

"Are you sure?" Asked Susan dangerously.

"Yeah." Nodded Sally. "You can clearly see it's moving in a circle."

Irritated Susan snatched the thread and needle from Sally's hand and passed it to Jane. "Well it's always good to get a second opinion." She said brightly.

Susan and Jane repeated the process and to Susan annoyance Jane also concluded that the needle was moving in a circle and not backwards and forwards. Irritated once again she snatched the thread and needle from Jane's hand before grabbing her bag and standing up. She stormed out of the girls watering whole annoyed muttering.

"Clearly if you want something done right you've got to do it yourself."

Jane and Sally watched in bewilderment as Susan stormed out as the restaurant door slammed closed behind her.

Lightly Jane hit Sally's arm to grab her attention so she'd face her. "You know what Susan's right. Far better to do it yourself." Jane took a quick sip of her wine. "I mean your never going to get lost in your own neighbourhood are you."

Sally looked at Jane slightly lost, but then remembered Jane's comment from earlier and couldn't help but nod in full agreement.


	3. Steve & Susan

**Fandom:** Coupling  
**Title:** Old Wives  
**Beta:** Not betaed. Sorry for all errors   
**Rating:** 12  
**Paring:** Steve/Susan  
**Spoilers/set:** Season 4  
**Summary:** (I can't actually think how to summarise this. Sorry)

A/N: This is the last chapter of this story and I'm very, very nervous about it. It's a Steve and Susan conversation and I think the conclusion on the story is a little to fast. But I can't think where else to go with this story. But I have enjoyed dipping my toe into this fandom and I hope to write more. But if you can tell me what you think I'd really appreciate it. )

**Chapter 3**

When Steve closed the door to his and Susan's flat he could hear Susan growl from the kitchen and all he wanted to do was just skulk back out to the bar again. But he had promised to be home so they could have tea together and he knew that Susan had heard me come in. So attempting to leave to continue your night out of drinking when your fiancé was pregnant, and experiencing a large hormonal imbalance, was the same as trying to negotiate a mine field. Although Steve wasn't sure how many limbs he'd come out with if he tried to navigate a conversation with Susan. He'd probably just end up having his head bitten off. As pure usual.

He took off his denim jacket and hung it up in the hallway before cautiously heading to the kitchen. Gingerly he stuck his head through the kitchen doorway and he could see Susan standing at the counter top but more importantly, or perhaps more worryingly, she was holding a large knife in her hand. He could hear the sound of her copping the vegetables become louder and louder as the knife hit harder and harder against the chopping board. He could also see that she was immensely tense and so the desire to go and hide under the bed was crushed by the desire to try and comfort her.

So rustling up courage that he didn't have Steve stepped vicariously into the kitchen, swallowing a large lump that was caught in his throat as he walked up behind Susan. "Hello." He said brightly, placing a soft kiss on Susan's cheek.

"Hi." Susan replied irritated and dejectedly.

Steve placed a hand on Susan's back and began to gentle rub it up and down in an attempt to ease her tense and aching back. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She mumbled sulkily as she went to the fridge to get something.

Steve rested against the counter as he looked at Susan. "You sure?" He asked.

Somewhat heavily Susan shut the fridge door and turned on the balls of her feet wearing a thin smile on her lips. "Of course nothings wrong, why would anything be wrong?" She asked tilting her head cynically to the side as she reached out to pick up the knife, holding it out in the air before turning to cut the vegetables again. The glinting of the steal immediately caught Steve's eye as Susan continued. "I mean I'm only here once again cooking for us…" She was chopping the vegetables very forcefully. "…while you've been out knocking back a few beers with Patrick." She stopped chopping completely know and waved the knife in the air a little aggressively. "While I am once again the reliable, sensible and pregnant one."

The waving of the knife caused Steve to stand up straight and he looked at Susan, laughing nervously. "Well if I was the pregnant one we'd really have something to worry about." He smiled anxiously before his eyes were once again drawn back to the knife in Susan's hands.

"Hum." Susan looked up into the air pretending to think. "Actually Steve I think more worryingly would be if you were the sensible and reliable one." She looked back at him with that withering stare that only Susan could have.

Steve swallowed nervously. His eyes darting between Susan's stare and the knife in her hands. He wished he could do more, to ask a little bit more, to really discuss what was wrong. But there was only one downfall in that. He, was a man. So instead he did what every man did. Attempted to ignore whatever problem their maybe.

So clasping his hand together he stood up straight saying. "Well if you're sure nothing's wrong." Before running off to the living room.

Susan threw her head back and let out an irritated growl. Annoyed and angry Susan turned on her heels stormed into the living room, still with knife in hand, and stormed up the couch were Steve was sitting and began a tirade on him while violently, and somewhat absent mind, waving a knife in the air.

Steve who was simply scared and shocked began to sink back into the corner of the couch, hoping it would open up and swallow him as his eyes darted between an infuriated Susan and the knife in her hands. God how he wished he had followed his earlier instinct to hide under the bed and now because he hadn't he had a mans worst nightmare in front of him. A pregnant, fiancée having a go at him while wielding a knife. Instinctively he held his hands over his crotch. He had little manhood as it was, he didn't wish to lose anymore.

Susan's outburst was coming to an end and she was looking at him expectantly. "Well!" She screeched.

Steve's mouth gaped open and he made a few erm, ahh noises, much to Susan's dissatisfaction.

"Steve weren't you listening to what I said?"

"Yes, yes I was." He nodded vigorously.

Susan placed her free hand on her hip as the hand holding the knife lowered slightly. "Oh really. What did I say?"

Steve looked forward, then looked back at Susan. "That I was useless, not much help and didn't seem to give a dam."

Susan's resolute stance fell slightly and awkwardly she replied. "Lucky guess." Before she half heartedly stormed back off to the kitchen.

Steve followed her with his eyes as she left and the desire to once again go and hide under the bed was curb by the desire to the decent boyfriend thing and actually talk to his pregnant, hormonal and emotional filled girlfriend. Wearily he pushed himself off the couch and headed like a condemned man back to the kitchen.

He stopped in his track when he saw that Susan was back to chopping the vegetables and instead moved to head to the bedroom to follow his survival instincts, but Susan had seen him and was now talking to him. Well berating him.

"I can't believe you weren't listening to what I was saying." She complained as she focused on calmly chopping the vegetables.

Steve stepped into the kitchen. "What do you mean, you said I got it right…"

Susan looked over her shoulder to face him and cut him off. "No I said lucky guess. Their is a difference."

Steve stuck his hands in his pockets and walked over to the table like a little boy who'd been scolded by his parents. "Yeah well. It was a little hard to concentrate on what you were saying while you were wielding a knife. I mean a mans worst nightmare is having his pregnant girlfriend come at him nagging while carrying a knife. You know in that hormone rage you might end up cutting off something rather important."

Susan turned round and purposely held the knife out as she looked at him pointedly. "Nagging."

Steve's eyes widened slightly. "Not that you nag. I would never say that you nag because you know you don't." He smiled sweetly at Susan who he could was trying to hold back a wicked smile by biting the inside of her mouth.

"Yeah well, you better not." She threatened teasingly before she turned to drop the knife into the sink.

Relieved that the knife was now gone Steve pulled out a chair and sat down while Susan more calmly and unarmed nagged at him.

"It's just after that night with the large conversation between us all that you were going to take a little bit more of an interest, be a little more supportive."

"I am."

Susan pulled out a chair and sat opposite Steve. "Steve you couldn't even help me pick out a colour for the baby's room, and you said our baby looked like the Death Star attacking the Millennium Falcon."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

Steve pointed his finger at Susan. "No I didn't. What I actually said was that it looked like the Millennium Falcon caught in the force field of the Death Star." He stated matter of factly.

"Oh well that makes it so much better." She said sarcastically.

"Look I'm sorry about that and I'm sorry that I didn't help you pick out colours for the baby's room. But I'm a man. You know I can't have opinions about that kind of stuff."

Susan rested her elbow on the table and held her head in her hand. "Nor on the sex of your own child." She mumbled huffily. She sat up straight. "You know I doubt it would bother you if when the baby arrived and it turned out to be… orange."

"Well of course that would bother me."

"Really?" Susan scoffed.

"Yes it would. I would find it very worrying if the baby was orange. It would mean that my axe wielding, jelly baby, foetus dream would in actual fact not be a dream but a premonition." He pointed to himself. "And I could expect to end up having my head chop off."

Susan closed her eyes and shook her head. "Steve if we could please get back to the realms of sanity for a moment." She looked over at Steve who seemed to hang his head slightly. "Why am I the only one concerned about finding out the sex of this baby?"

Steve raised his head and began making his argument. "Susan using the height of your bump, a needle and thread or the size of your breasts is not going to help to determine the sex of the baby. Especially when you want all that to tell you that it'll be a girl."

"But don't you care?"

"No."

"What?" Susan asked looking extremely bewildered. "How could you not care?"

Steve came off the chair and knelt on the floor in front of Susan. "Look I'm not going to deny that if we had a boy then at last I would be evenly matched against you, that the flat wouldn't be taken over with more girlie things or that I'd have more hormones to deal with."

"I'd just have to put up with more testicles." She grumbled.

Steve smiled. "But if we had a girl I'd be absolutely fine with that. Because I could put up with even more girlie things and even more hormones. It doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl because either way we're going to have a child in out lives." He could see Susan was melting to him. "All I hope is that the baby has your looks, your sensibility and my humour." When he saw Susan smile he kissed her on the cheek and hugged her.

"And your hair." Susan chipped in laughing lightly.

Steve lent back from Susan and pointed at his hair shaking his head. "Oh no this barnet is unique."

Susan laughed. "I know. You even have your own method to applying hair spray."

Steve stood up straight, smiling. "Hey if you just spray it straight on it just gets sticky." He made a funny disgusted face. "And no one wants that." Steve turned and made his way to the fridge to get a can of beer.

Susan stood and walked up beside Steve. Standing on her tip toes slightly she leaned into him slightly as she wrapped her arm over his shoulder and ran her other hand through his hair. "No. No one wants that." She said before she kissed him on the lips as she pulled away she whispered. "I'm sorry."

Steve's brow creased in mock confusion. "Um, I'm sorry." He made a point to stress the 'I'm sorry.' "What did you say?" He asked humorously.

Susan moved in to kiss him again. "I said I'm sorry."

Steve pointed at Susan. "Your sorry." He said again amusingly.

"Yes. I'm sorry." She kissed him again. "Especially for the whole knife wielding thing."

Steve left his can of beer in the fridge and wrapped his arms around Susan. "Well I think I can forgive you for that." His eyes glanced downwards. "Their were no major casualties."

"Good." Susan rested her head against Steve's chest and allowed herself to be enveloped in the hug as Steve kissed the top of her head.

"But god I wished I knew the sex of the baby. Boy or girl." She mumbled into his chest. "The curiosity is killing me."

"Yeah well that's when it pays to be a man." Steve said proudly.

Susan looked up at Steve. "What, you say you don't care either way and you get less hassle."

"Exactly."

Susan rolled her eyes and pulled away from Steve, making her way back towards the counter top. "Yeah well if we did know the sex of the baby it would have made choosing a colour for the baby's room much easier and more importantly, something we have to discuss soon, choosing a name for the baby. Which we have to come to a joint decision on."

Steve's eyes widened in dread. "Yes a joint decision." He turned to the fridge. "But lets not dread, I mean, worry about that now hey." He took a can of beer from the fridge closing the door. "Lets just enjoy the rest of the evening. We can talk about baby names tomorrow." He opened his beer.

"But do you have any ideas?" Asked Susan expectantly with her back to Steve.

Steve opened his mouth and looked up into the air. "Ah well…" He looked back at the beer in his hands noticing the name. "Err well. What about Foster." He suggested before taking a sip of his beer.

Susan turned looking at him with puzzlement. "Foster. I don't think I've ever…" She stopped however when she notice the name of the beer Steve was drinking. Her shoulders sagged and her head tilted to the side. "Steve that is the worst…" She shook her head and waved him away with her hand. "Never mind we'll talk about it later." She turned back to her cooking. "Give you time to think about it. Develop an opinion." He said with a strong hint of sarcasm.

Steve turned around and nodded his head from side to side, making a 'nah, nah' face as he headed to the living room. He took a very long swig of his beer as he sat on the couch. Dread was already seeping into his stomach about the impending baby name conversation for both a boy and a girl.

God he wished he knew the sex of the baby, because then they'd only have to agree or rather argue over one name. And he knew that was going to be difficult.

The End


End file.
